Finals are over! Time to enjoy a Rivercats game over some food and beer! Oh, and of course the lovely boyfriend for inviting me! @y_squared43
Last two finals tomorrow and all I want to do is go back to last weekend in #Vegas with @y_squared43. #goodtimes #happiness
Because studying doesn’t exist, I’m taking a mini vacation with the boy in #Vegas before Finals. #goodtimes #happiness
Pressure of Numbers
These past two weeks has been…stressful, for the lack of better words. School is almost out, with only a week left go. It’s crazy how fast this semester went by. I felt like it was just yesterday that I was just stepping into the first day of school, and now… I’m taking my finals on Monday.
I, like every other college student, cannot wait for the semester to be over, but at the same time, I feel like I need a little more time. This could be due to my grades not looking so “hot,” or I’m just not ready to see the semester end.
With every passing semester, I’m feeling the pressure to graduate. I mean, yeah, I’ve been in college for a long six year now, and beginning next semester, it’ll be the beginning of my seventh. I’m in no rush, honestly. I love school. I love learning. I just hate the criteria of how we should be taught. I hate that our futures depends on this idea of “scores” and “grades,” which are measured by tests and quizzes.
Who came up with such a system to determine our level of knowledge by our level of understanding in what we are taught in a fifteen week period?
I have never been a good test taker. it’s not because I’m dumb or lack the knowledge of what was taught. It’s just the idea of my future being on the line because someone put a few problems on a piece of paper and I have to solve it that causes me anxiety…
But…
When has life turned into something so one dimensional? Our lives and or future should not be based on the numbers we see.
God, it’s so frustrating. These numbers… They hold so little but bare so much meaning. Our lives are based on how high we can place on a test or a quiz. Our lives are based around what the scale tells us about our body. Our lives are based on the number that sits in our bank account. And you know what? They’re all just numbers. Mindless numbers that a toddler can recite before he or she can even fully grasp what they mean.
The pressure of numbers is running our lives and it’s so sad to see. yeah staying in school for 6+ years is a long time, but who says there was ever a time limit? Yeah, I fail and score low on many things in school, but who says that’s the measure of my intelligence? Yeah, some people’s BMI is high, but who says they’re not just as beautiful as someone whose BMI is lower? Yeah, someone can make a six to seven figure paycheck a year, but who says that they’re happier than someone who works for minimum wage?
The pressure of numbers… Who says their worth anything?
It hit me today how much my life revolves around this without my couscous consent. These past two weeks have been rough. I cried at least once every two days because I couldn’t stand the idea of staying in school any longer. It stresses me. The idea of my family waiting for me to graduate so I can find a job to help support them, it puts so much pressure on me, and I hate how much it hurts them that I’m still not done. But I’ve realized that, because I’m trying so hard to get through college as fast as I can, I’m not enjoying the time I have while being in college. I’ve been so miserable, at best, these past two weeks because this pressure of graduating and doing well in school, that I haven’t been able to smile and enjoy what is around me.
I’ve been so lucky. I have been thrown into so many bad situations these past two weeks, but luckily, I always found a way around it, but I was still not happy, when I should have been. Everything worked out better and I’m still on track, yet I’m so focused on the pressures of numbers, that I haven’t been able to see it and enjoy it.
Now though, I see it, and I’m not going to let these numbers, pressure me into not enjoying what I have, which is everything I have always wanted. From my supportive family and friends, to my amazing boyfriend who never fails to remind me how amazing I can be if I set my mind to it.
So these pressures in numbers…They can be what they are meant to be…just numbers.
Lucky
I’m lucky and it’s true… The more obstacles I’m running through the luckier I find myself in the end.
Him
I love talking about the person I’m with. Not because I’m trying to brag about him to people or to one-up them. It’s just something I enjoy doing. I’m proud of the person I’m with and he means a lot to me which I’m not afraid to show it.
But…
There’s always a but…
I’m scared. I don’t like talking about the person I’m with. I know, it sounds ridiculous to what I was just saying, but I don’t.
I don’t like talking about him because I don’t want people to know how much he means to me and how hurt I would be if I was to lose him. I don’t like talking about him because I get so happy and the thought that it could end at any given moment breaks my heart. I don’t like talking about him because I know the moments with him are memories that will never be erased.
The last time I talked this way about someone, that person left without a second thought. It left me feeling like a fool to give that person so much credit over something he didn’t deserve because I now know that it was all just a moment, a moment for him, but a scar for me.
I don’t want to feel like a fool again… and I don’t want this to be just a moment again. I want this to be real, so that I can feel secure, safe, and open.
I have been wanting to tell him, tell him how much he means to me, but I don’t feel secure, safe, or open and it’s not because it’s not real, but because the fear.
The fear that it’ll end. The fear that it’s not as real to him as it is for me. The fear that it’s too soon to say such things, even though there is no set time. The fear of the pressure that he may feel if he does not feel what I feel.
There’s just so much doubt in this relationship and it’s not because it’s not going well. It’s because I fear the pain that is to come again if I let walls down…
